You know those timeless friends? The ones whose presence may be separated by years and miles, but seem to have never left your side when you’re reunited?
It’s been two years, a move, a blog on the side, and a whole babyhood since I’ve been here, but lets just fall back into step old friend. I’ve missed you.
So…what have I been up to?
I’ve been holing up in my beautiful life tornado-adjusting to four kids, continuing the homeschool journey that keeps picking up speed and needs as these monkeys grow up, nurturing friendships, growing new ones, taking writing classes and having a love affair with short stories.
At the moment I find myself catching my breath and looking down a new road. After eleven years of pregnancy, nursing and child-rearing and after much deliberation, we have decided there will be no more babies joining the party. I know, four kids. I’m arriving here a bit later than most.
Some mamas just know when they are DONE. I’ve come as close to that feeling as I think I’ll ever get. The finality, the no going back has always felt unsettling to me. I want choices, I want to be able to change my mind, All.The.Time. But a quiet voice was also telling me that it’s ok to close doors, to find out what’s on the other side, to let go. Eliminating the maybe one more, has settled peace over the matter and gotten me excited about what lays ahead.
I’ve got project ideas, travel plans, a burgeoning yoga practice and I see widening spaces of time to give these things to myself.
As much as I love and am grateful for the circumstances of my life, I have also struggled with making the time, finding the energy and giving myself permission to have my own things while the kids are so young. Sound familiar?
I read a great post by a friend of a friend recently on GUILT. I think this is a specialty of parents, of primary care givers in particular. I have certainly carried a lot around with me over the years. But I think guilt often travels with another familiar companion: FEAR. Fear of entering the unknown, fear of taking chances and being vulnerable. It is easier to say I don’t have time, my kids need me, maybe later. And there are admittedly times when these are absolute truths. But I also believe there comes a time when you serve your people better when the scales are evened out a little. When a vocation, desire, curiosity or maybe your sanity demand some attention too.
So my intention is to step out a little more, take some risks with my writing, cushion myself with trust, and share a bit of the journey here with you. Writers, artists, creatives, dreamers, explorers, parents, I hope we can connect here and walk this path together. After all, as Ram Dass says,
“We’re all just walking each other home.”
* Tell me friends, What is something you’re holding back on right now because of guilt or fear? Can you take a step towards that something today? Is there a door you are ready to close? It doesn’t have to be a cliff dive or a finger breaking slam, Teeny-tiny baby steps and gentle goodbyes, are powerful too.